My pumpkin orange shirt is moving with the little rollers my neonate is creating as I type. She's a mover. She is constantly rumpling and dimpling my clothes. I'm starting to suspect that her future will be full of hula dancing. Which would mean the apple fell a good continent away from the tree - maternal or paternal.
As much as I am ready for the limitations and discomforts of pregnancy to be over, I am also sad for it to end. I am very aware right now that this could be the last time I get to push a little elbow or move a little foot that is pressing against my insides. This might be the last time that I get to wonder what this little being my husband and I created will look like, what she'll be like, how her personality will twist our family dynamics and in what direction. In that way, I don't want this belly to disappear quite yet.
But I'm giddy to see her, to hold her, and to have her eyes looking up at me when I feed her. It's insane. I don't have the time or sleep reserves for a newborn baby. I've got three other non-school aged little ones that keep me more than busy and plenty worn out without adding another. But I am genuinely, physically, ridiculously optomistically anticpating having her here with us resting in a little duck bouncer while the tornado of life spins through our house.
There is a lot that I miss doing from my past life - I'm pretty sure it was my life. It was a time where I read books, went running when I wanted to, wrote, went on spontaneous adventures, sat quietly, was rarely frustrated to five miles past my wits' end. Sometimes I'll do the math in my head. I'll figure out when this little baby will be five and in kindergarten and how old I'll be and how much productive life I'll have left and I really think this could be my last baby. But this feeling, this excitement at having another life influencing our family, I feel addicted to it.
Could there be a fifth? I'm not saying no yet.
P.S. - I wrote all of the above while two of my three were asleep. I'm posting this now after all the evening and bedtime grumpies have shown their sunless selves. Maybe four will be just fine after all.
3 comments:
I'm sooo excited right along with you! I can't wait to see my new niece, and how she will fit into your family. It sounds like she will be an active one. :) I'm going to have to visit you, just to get a baby fix!
What a lucky little baby girl! I am amazed at the mother you are, though not surprised in the least. You will do just fine with four (or five or more!). I totally know that feeling, though... every time I think of having another baby, my mind tricks me into thinking they always come in two... and the thought of having four babies is just too much for me to even consider. I went through a lot of the same emotions when I was pregnant with Hugh... just trying to enjoying every single moment, not sure if it'll ever happen for me again. Such a blessing and a joy to participate in creating a perfect little life. Can't wait for the arrival of your perfect little one!
hey sister - it is fun to have siblings who are as excited for your kids as you are.
megan - With no false modesty I say I wish I was a good Mom and I'm sure my kids feel the same way. I do love being a Mom though, and so the kids keep coming.
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